20 phrases there’s no point using in front of a 3year old.

Here is what I would answer back to my mom’s –and dad’s- arsenal of do’s and don’ts expressions, if I were to be asked. But, do they really care what I think? What they do care is to utter all those useless, neurotic, uncalled-for expressions again and again. And again. Check the list:

 1. Coffee is for the grown-ups.

As were their ipad, bed, keys and personal life.

 2. It is forbidden.

A household term for a three year old. It actually applies to only 2% of the cases. And, between us, even then you skip jail.

 3. I won’t say it again!

Yes, you will!

 4. Next time you do that, blah blah blah…

Wrong use of number. What they actually mean is “next times”. And do they resort to blah blah blah? Hardly ever.

 5. We have to talk.

A foreword to disaster. You wish you were 33, she was your girlfriend and ready to say “we must see other people…”

 6. Am I pretty?

A trick question, for all ages. You wish you were 53, she was your wife and you were done speaking to her, whatsoever. Whatever you say, can only make it worse. It’s one of those days…

 7. Never!

Wanna bet?

 8. Now!

Never!

 9. I’m so proud of you.

Trap. Followed by a “but”. Or a ‘however’.

 10. You are doing so many things by yourself…

Still waiting for that ‘but’. Or for that “however”.

 11. But we poop in the toilet…

There you go. Such a nice introduction, wasted…

 12. This is very dangerous!

If I had stuck to that, I would be still crawling…

 13. Stop hitting your sister!

I’ll save you from “she started it first” and stuff. It actually amuses me.

14. Stop hitting yourself!

Believe it or not, there are times that even i, don’t like me!

 15. You’ve grown so much!

I get it. You are taking it to the feeding bottle.

16. You will always be my baby!

Let alone the fact that you are giving me an age confusion here, can I have my diaper and dummy back?

 17. I’ll count to ten.

You could have had me at 3, but who am I to miss the crescendo?

 18. Don’t throw sand to your sister.

Well, in fact, that also amuses me.

19. Don’t eat sand.

Not eating. Just trying.

20. You can do it!

Seriously, mom? Isn’t it too late to go motivational?

 

It’s an age thing

Signs that give away you might have grown up. Or, at least, that you are in the process.

  1. You turn on and off the light switch in your room –and in any other room for that matter- to turn on and off the light in that room and not just for your personal pleasure.
  2. You are starting to think that maybe you weren’t born to pee and poop your pants. You murder the thought after 5 seconds.
  3. Your pictures are starting to mean something. In a really broad sense of the word ‘meaning’.
  4. You can browse the pages of a whole children’s book without necessarily tearing them. ‘Necessarily’ is the key here.
  5. You wouldn’t trade your toys for a new Tupperware’s product anymore.
  6. The idea of not sleeping for two or three nights in a row doesn’t turn you on anymore.
  7. Most of your friends are attending nursery school.
  8. When you climb on all over the table and start turning around the vase, the thought that you actually might end up in the floor hurt, slightly crosses your mind.
  9. You hang out with younger people than you.
  10. You start wondering for the first time whether there is a  life without pacifier. Only to admit that there isn’t.
  11. You catch yourself singing the alphabet.
  12. You catch yourself touching himself.
  13. You apply your own dress code. No wonder where ‘mix and match’ came from.
  14. You kind of speak. ‘Kind of’ is the key here.

Did something wrong

I just spilt all of my milk on my clothes and the sofa. Mum is starring at me, as if she is trying to grasp what has just happened. Mum, sorry, but this is exactly what you think and exactly what it looks like.