Here is what I would answer back to my mom’s –and dad’s- arsenal of do’s and don’ts expressions, if I were to be asked. But, do they really care what I think? What they do care is to utter all those useless, neurotic, uncalled-for expressions again and again. And again. Check the list:
1. Coffee is for the grown-ups.
As were their ipad, bed, keys and personal life.
2. It is forbidden.
A household term for a three year old. It actually applies to only 2% of the cases. And, between us, even then you skip jail.
3. I won’t say it again!
Yes, you will!
4. Next time you do that, blah blah blah…
Wrong use of number. What they actually mean is “next times”. And do they resort to blah blah blah? Hardly ever.
5. We have to talk.
A foreword to disaster. You wish you were 33, she was your girlfriend and ready to say “we must see other people…”
6. Am I pretty?
A trick question, for all ages. You wish you were 53, she was your wife and you were done speaking to her, whatsoever. Whatever you say, can only make it worse. It’s one of those days…
9. I’m so proud of you.
Trap. Followed by a “but”. Or a ‘however’.
10. You are doing so many things by yourself…
Still waiting for that ‘but’. Or for that “however”.
11. But we poop in the toilet…
There you go. Such a nice introduction, wasted…
12. This is very dangerous!
If I had stuck to that, I would be still crawling…
13. Stop hitting your sister!
I’ll save you from “she started it first” and stuff. It actually amuses me.
14. Stop hitting yourself!
Believe it or not, there are times that even i, don’t like me!
15. You’ve grown so much!
I get it. You are taking it to the feeding bottle.
16. You will always be my baby!
Let alone the fact that you are giving me an age confusion here, can I have my diaper and dummy back?
17. I’ll count to ten.
You could have had me at 3, but who am I to miss the crescendo?
18. Don’t throw sand to your sister.
Well, in fact, that also amuses me.
19. Don’t eat sand.
Not eating. Just trying.
20. You can do it!
Seriously, mom? Isn’t it too late to go motivational?