20 phrases there’s no point using in front of a 3year old.

Here is what I would answer back to my mom’s –and dad’s- arsenal of do’s and don’ts expressions, if I were to be asked. But, do they really care what I think? What they do care is to utter all those useless, neurotic, uncalled-for expressions again and again. And again. Check the list:

 1. Coffee is for the grown-ups.

As were their ipad, bed, keys and personal life.

 2. It is forbidden.

A household term for a three year old. It actually applies to only 2% of the cases. And, between us, even then you skip jail.

 3. I won’t say it again!

Yes, you will!

 4. Next time you do that, blah blah blah…

Wrong use of number. What they actually mean is “next times”. And do they resort to blah blah blah? Hardly ever.

 5. We have to talk.

A foreword to disaster. You wish you were 33, she was your girlfriend and ready to say “we must see other people…”

 6. Am I pretty?

A trick question, for all ages. You wish you were 53, she was your wife and you were done speaking to her, whatsoever. Whatever you say, can only make it worse. It’s one of those days…

 7. Never!

Wanna bet?

 8. Now!

Never!

 9. I’m so proud of you.

Trap. Followed by a “but”. Or a ‘however’.

 10. You are doing so many things by yourself…

Still waiting for that ‘but’. Or for that “however”.

 11. But we poop in the toilet…

There you go. Such a nice introduction, wasted…

 12. This is very dangerous!

If I had stuck to that, I would be still crawling…

 13. Stop hitting your sister!

I’ll save you from “she started it first” and stuff. It actually amuses me.

14. Stop hitting yourself!

Believe it or not, there are times that even i, don’t like me!

 15. You’ve grown so much!

I get it. You are taking it to the feeding bottle.

16. You will always be my baby!

Let alone the fact that you are giving me an age confusion here, can I have my diaper and dummy back?

 17. I’ll count to ten.

You could have had me at 3, but who am I to miss the crescendo?

 18. Don’t throw sand to your sister.

Well, in fact, that also amuses me.

19. Don’t eat sand.

Not eating. Just trying.

20. You can do it!

Seriously, mom? Isn’t it too late to go motivational?

 

Did something wrong

I just spilt all of my milk on my clothes and the sofa. Mum is starring at me, as if she is trying to grasp what has just happened. Mum, sorry, but this is exactly what you think and exactly what it looks like.

Three little pigs: A different story

It’s actually the famous kids story told from my point of view, the daughter’s of the family (4+) point of view. Or, maybe, a portrait of its characters. A psychogram. Let’s start…

First pig: We get it, you are lazy. You took your lesson – at least you didn’t try too much for it.

Second pig: Well, the thing is that you did try more but it only got you so far. Here is the conclusion: aim either high or low. There is no ‘in between’. Average will get you nowhere.

Third pig: In short, the definition of the ideal child, the one every mother would like to give birth to, with the exception of his own that kicked him out. Nerd but alive.

Wolf: Actually, hunger is a bad advice.

3 pigs together: Hell of a team!

Mother pig: She has her own methods of teaching life lessons to her children. And she surely doesn’t suffer from empty nest syndrome.

House made of straw: Eco- friendly and natural built. Strong thermal and energy waste due to bad insulation at building process. Not to mention that, even if wolf didn’t finally blow it down, a donkey or a goat would probably eat it.

House made of wood: Its static adequacy is yet to be proven. Fire, storm, twister and wolf’s lungs vulnerable. The sandwich-house of the story: luckily for it, it‘s so wooden it won’t have to attend therapy during puberty.

House made of bricks: It is always affiliated to a pig with a civil engineer’s know-how.

Chimney: The real hero of the story. It is always affiliated to a cauldron of boiling water.

The story’s writer: A recluse -nothing is really known about him. Rumors have it that the face of his mother saying to him when he was 17 years old “now that you have grown, it’s time to live on your own” is haunting him ever since. And it shows.

That awkward moment…

Now, it’s my turn to talk.  Son’s turn to speak. To say it my way… Because, if you think that only you, grown ups have awkarwd moments, think again. Here it is:

That awkward moment when you (2,5 years old) realize that

  • The screams of yet another tantrum scene in the supermarket’s corridors aren’t actually coming from you.
  • You don’t want to have another bar of chocolate.
  • ‘Sorry’ won’t save you  from timeout, this time
  • You are beginning to enjoy timeout.
  • Your toys speak more than you.
  • It’s easier for someone to understand your toys than you.
  • Your toys speak.
  • You want to play more with the parents of the kid that came to visit you than with the kid itself.
  • You talk with another kid in the park only to realize that you cannot properly introduce yourselves since you can’t remember your names.
  • After you have had your hair cut, you can’t seem to recognize that kid on the mirror.
  • You walk into a party and you realize that you are wearing the same pacifier with another guest.
  • You walk in the bathroom of the party and you realize you are wearing the same diaper with another guest.
  • You walk in the bathroom of the party and you realize you are wearing the same… penis with another guest.
  • You walked in the bathroom of the party without knocking on the door.